Chasing Grace

I’ve been thinking about why I’m having so much trouble writing here lately. It certainly isn’t due to a lack of things to write about. We’ve been very busy since we moved here. We’ve had adventures exploring Concord, we’ve had fun decorating, Paul is becoming a wiz installing things like curtain rods, and Siofra is loves playing on the stairs.

I think it has more to do with privacy, security and the sanctity of Home. It’s not that I’ve become paranoid, but before we moved away from Milford we had to deal with some unpleasantness brought about by an anonymous (or so they believed) reader of one of our blogs. The worst of which was they knew our home address. Upon reviewing my blog, I realized it would not have been difficult for them to figure out where we lived if they really wanted to work at it. It’s more likely that they used some other means, but that doesn’t make me feel any more comfortable blogging about home related stuff anymore. But that’s always been a big part of my blogging.

Not any more, I guess.

Besides which, I think my blog is eager to take a different direction. I started out with certain things in mind, but have since strayed from those themes and ideas. So I have to rethink, remodel and redecorate my little house. But don’t worry, if you are a fan of Siofra’s. There will always be plenty of Siofra posts.

So please bear with me while I figure all this out. Thanks!

(How bad has this writer’s block thingie been? It took me four days just to write this one post).

Because the Force just isn’t with me right now, and I have yet to break through this writer’s block.

Because it’s been so long since I’ve written anything, and I have a lot of catching up to do.

First of all, we are so happy to be here. All three of us.

The aforementioned mishaps of the move were the couch, the box spring, and my sewing machine. The serious mishap was one of my dear friends, who was helping with the move, fell and hit her head in the parking lot, just as we were preparing to leave Milford. The Incident, as we have been calling it, gave us quite a scare. The paramedics were summoned and she spent the rest of the day at the hospital. She suffered a concussion, and is still recovering. But the important thing is that she is recovering.

The not-nearly-as-serious mishaps involved the living room couch (which refused to fit through the door) and the box spring (which refused to go up the stairs) and my sewing machine (which fell off the truck onto the sidewalk). We are planning to buy a futon to replace the couch, and a split-box spring for the bed. As for the sewing machine, I haven’t tried using it yet, but I’m hoping it will only need a tune-up, at worst. The only visible damage is the hand wheel, which was destroyed, but it’s an older machine comprised of all metal parts, so it’s a tough old girl. I remain hopeful.

About a week into our new home Sparky II, our beloved computer, refused to boot. (If you are a long-time reader of this blog, you will remember the original Ol’ Sparky met the same fate. Maybe we should stop naming them Sparky). So I have lost access to all of my photos, graphics and my photoshop program. Everything is backed up of course, but our secondary computer Zeke (from which I am currently posting this) is woefully underpowered, and I’m afraid it would choke on a restoration of the Sparky backup. Let’s put it this way, Zeke is running Windoze 98. Nuff said? We are hoping to revive Sparky with a new power supply (the suspected issue) but if we are unable to do so, we’ll have to get a new computer. I think we’ll name it Chuck Norris.

Otherwise, things are going very well indeed. I will have photos to post soon, once I find a decent online program for resizing, cropping and tweaking photos. I have a lot to post about, and I’m finally feeling settled enough to get back into that routine again. Now that our mornings are so quiet, and this apartment is so peaceful and comfy, I have been able to practice yoga in the mornings and I am meditating regularly again. I feel wonderful, and once the weather cools down, (I suffered a bad case of heat stroke the second week after we moved in, and that slowed me down quite a bit) I hope to be a lot more productive than I have been in a long time.

Did I mention Concord is a wonderful city? More to come on that subject.

As I was cleaning and organizing my kitchen today, and as our CDs remain unpacked, I searched the dial on the radio to find something to good listen to. What I discovered is a really nice local radio station, operated by the students at St. Paul’s School here in Concord. It’s a beautiful, very old boarding school for grades nine to twelve. (Think Hogwarts for Muggles). The station is WSPS 90.5, and it plays a nice mix of jazz, blues, folk, oldies and unique artists I’ve never heard of. It’s an easy-going blend that is just what I need while I’m working on getting my house in order.

I love our new apartment, warts and all.

We moved in on Saturday. It started out as an uneventful, easy process and we were ahead of schedule. Then we suffered some mishaps, one very serious and the rest not so much. I will write about those a bit later. But we are in the new place and I couldn’t be happier.

The bedroom is tiny, the hallways cramped and the stairways narrow and steep. Some of it is worn badly and the whole place needs to be cleaned thoroughly. We aren’t bothered by any of that. It’s quiet, and it’s conveniently located, It is in an old and very solid building that is quaint and full of character, as converted houses often are.

I haven’t been sleeping very well, but that’s not unusual after a move. Siofra did not enjoy the process one bit. But she has since settled down and she’s having fun exploring and finding new places to nap. She had never seen stairs before and it took her a while to get the hang of them.

I have a lot of work to do. So far I have settled the bathroom, and I am currently working on the kitchen. It’s a slow process, but soon we will be settled. The stress of living in that complex has vanished, and I feel a healing process beginning.

We are happy, the three of us. And looking forward to life in Concord.

It’s been awhile. That’s my fault. Well duh, of course it is. Who else would be at fault for not writing here?

When I signed into my blog, this was in a draft I’d saved:

I woke this morning feeling fragile and lighter-than-air. I almost feel as if there is some refining process going on in my psyche. Refined through stress, tested by fire and chaos. There are just too many things up in the air right now. I can’t keep up with everything.

I have no idea what that was all about. I can’t even remember when I wrote it. It’s like finding a letter in a drawer, begun long ago to someone I can’t even remember now. Time blurs everything. But time also heals. It can be a bitch (just look at these wrinkles!), but it can also be a balm.

weez moovin!

an sheefra helpz!

I can hardly wait. We got the apartment we wanted, and we move on Saturday. Wish us well. I know things will improve in the new environment.

I wrote this the last time we moved. It’s how I feel again this time.

We won’t have cable at first, so no internet and no email. I’m going to have withdrawals. Yikes! But the Comcast guy is supposed to start our service Monday morning. I will have to wait patiently and not look out the window every five minutes. Oh, who am I kidding? Actually, I’ll be too busy on Saturday to spend any time on the ‘puter anyway. Sunday we will be busy recuperating and unpacking. Slowly we will reestablish the household, and things will get back to normal… well, normal for us anyway… only better. Much better. I’m sure of it.

And Siofra is helping.

Lucky me.

Yesterday I had the mother-of-all panic attacks. I’m talking full-scale, industrial-strength, china syndrome meltdown. It was triggered by fear. By unreasoning, imagined bad things. This has happened to me before, although not for a long time. I thought I was getting better. So I’m assuming that this recent attack was aided and abetted by the stress I’ve been dealing with lately.

It made me start to think about the root cause of these panic attacks. Every time I’ve had one it was triggered by worry. And the only things I tend to worry about are things that haven’t happened yet. When things are tough, I don’t worry, I just handle it. I may get stressed, but I don’t worry. And I never panic. The only thing that makes me panic is worrying about things that haven’t happened, but might happen.

So, it seems, the root cause of these episodes is fear. But why do I fear so much? I know that my mom has done this to herself. I’ve seen her do this, when worrying about something that may happen (or have happened) to someone she cares about. So maybe it’s genetic. I suppose it could be a learned experience. It baffles me, because I’m by nature a very reasoning sort of person. I remember being teased when I was growing up, being called ‘Miss Logic’ because of my analytical approach to everything. So it doesn’t make sense that I would be so easily derailed by fears of things that might happen… of anti-fantasies involving worst-case scenarios befalling loved ones, or sometimes even myself. It doesn’t make sense. and it certainly cannot continue.

What do I do to eliminate this unreasoning fear from my life? What is it’s source? These are things I really need to pray and meditate on. I need to think this through. I can’t keep doing this to myself and to Paul, who has had to deal with my hysteria more than a few times. Fear is useless and harmful. I need to eliminate it from my life. I must strive to become fearless, if I am going to continue growing.

~

Litany Against Fear

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

From Dune by Frank Herbert

Siofra likes to watch out the bedroom window for ‘burdeez’, but this morning she saw the Biggest Burdee Ever.

Paul noticed her watching something intently, and assumed it was the usual little birds hanging around in the bushes and on the ground outside the bedroom window. But then he looked past her should and saw the turkey. We’ve been seeing a lot of them around lately, but never this close to the apartment. There are some woods behind the complex, and we think it may have come from there. Once it had finished whatever business it had in the parking lot, it headed in that direction.

I wonder if Siofra was thinking… ‘hmmm, brekfust, lunsh, dinner and brekfust‘ or ‘holee cow, dat burdee iz biggah dan me‘. But whatever she was thinking, she certainly kept an eye on it till it went home.

There’s three pictures documenting Siofra’s adventure in the gallery.

And don’t forget to visit Friday Ark this week for more creature features.

Tags: burdeez, Cats, siofra, window

I packed my first box today. It’s a small step, but I feel a lot better now.

On Saturday, we found an apartment in Concord that we both feel we can call home for a while. It’s not perfect, but it’s perfect… if you know what I mean. The application has been filled out, and now we wait. We’re pretty sure we will get it. Even if we don’t, there are so many vacancies in the areas we want to live that we will surely have something suitable by the time we are ready to move. So I am making lists, and more lists. I’m also making lists of lists. It’s my way. I am a list-maker. I am also reorganizing and packing non-essentials. Of course, Miss Siofra is helping me.

Funny how packing one small box of non-essentials can change my frame of mind so completely.

I love Concord. We both love Concord. I can’t wait to move. I wish I could move tomorrow. But, of course, I still have much to do.

Aaaand that’s why I’m sitting in front of the computer. Sheesh! Pardon me. I need to get busy.